How to help a friend
(Also check out the HOW TO RESPOND tabs on several of the topics to the left for more ideas on helping others.)
If Your Friend Is a Victim of Dating Violence
or Sexual Assault
Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do or say if a friend has been a victim of violence. Understand that your friend is probably dealing with many different emotions and might not know how to talk about it either.
Reading this is a great start to helping your friend. This might not answer all your questions,
but it should help you understand how your friend might be feeling and good things to say
and do, as well as things to avoid. For more information about helping your friend, contact
our helpline at 425-2222 or the National Teen Dating Violence Helpline 1-866-331-9474 or talk to a trusted adult.
People react to the trauma caused by violence in many ways. You might see your friend doing or saying things you’re not used to.
Some changes you might see are:
- New eating or sleeping habits
Being angry all the time
Taking lots of risks
Doing badly in school
Skipping school
Feeling hopeless and helpless
Having lots of headaches or stomachaches
Having a hard time concentrating
Mood swings
Clinginess
Nervousness
Depression
Using drugs or alcohol
Things that can help:
- Let your friend know you care.
Try to stay calm. Remember that your friend will be aware of your reactions.
Don’t judge your friend. Just listen—let your friend vent and don’t try to have answers for everything.
Tell your friend that you are sorry that it happened.
Ask your friend to talk about how he or she reacted to the crime.
Understand that your friend might have mood swings.
Give your friend time to heal. Don’t expect your friend to “snap out of it” quickly.
Help find other people who can help—other friends, teachers, coaches, and family
members who can support your friend.
Don’t confront the person who hurt your friend. Though you might want to fix
the situation or get back at them, this could make things worse, for you and your
friend.
- Nothing you did (or didn’t do) makes you deserve this.
I’m glad you told me.
How can I/we help you feel safer?
I’m proud of you.
This happens to other people. Would it help to talk to someone who counsels
those people?
I’m sorry this happened.
I believe you.
I’ll support your decisions.
Things not to say:
-
This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t ____________.
I told you not to: go to that party, date that person, hang out with those people.
Just forget it ever happened.
Get over it.
This is private. Don’t tell anyone what happened.
Try not to think about it.
I want to kill the person who hurt you.
About Confidentiality
- If you choose to talk to someone else about your friend, you should know that some adults are mandated reporters. This means they are legally required to report neglect or abuse to someone else, like the police or child protective services. Some examples of mandated reporters are teachers, counselors, doctors, social workers, coaches, and activity leaders. If you want help deciding whom to talk to, call our helpline at 425-2222.
from National Crime Victim Helpline
